Saturday, July 28, 2012

The Boondock Saints

I decided to watch The Boondock Saints.  The roomie watched me lift the case, and kiss the cross on the front.

I haven't become unhinged.  That DVD belonged to Denice, my deceased love.  When I kiss that cross, in my mind, I'm kissing the cross tattoed over her heart.  She loved that movie, she secretly wanted to be those guys.  I sometimes wonder if I'll ever really get over her.  You see, every suceeding loss, brings every previous loss fresh to your mind as if were only yesterday.  I didn't do Elizabeth justice as a relationship.  Partially because I was trying to please Dad, and the sorry situation he let metastasize in our home.  Mostly because I was trailing behind my love and guilt over the one who died, and I might have saved her, if I was slightly more attentive to her.  I lost the best thing I ever had, and wasn't even able to hold on to our son.  Someday I may meet Loren, and explain the demons that lived in his Mother, and why she couldn't be there to raise him.  

My Dad passed away less than 12 days ago.  I'm hurting not only from that, but from the twenty or so that went before.  Family, Friends, hell I even miss my enemies!

I don't know if I'll have the courage to leave this post up!

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