This will be my Inaugural Address,
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN, GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?
'My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed.
Since Congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq . This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries
which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is
short. The United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia , and Poland
are some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains
every one not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on
that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists
later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective
immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases indefinitely.
The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for
the costs of the Iraqi war.
THEN EVERY YEAR THEREAFTER It'll GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WONT GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world
Hell holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France ...
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this
money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.
On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Mess with us and we
will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face
of the earth.
Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China .
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with
France , and Russia . Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are
retiring from NATO as well.
I have instructed the Mayor of New
York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in
Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those
vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about
whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of
unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious
Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop
shops in the world. I love New York.
A special note to our
neighbors: Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot
more of each other, you folks might want to try not ticking us off for a
change.
Mexico is also on List 2. Its president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment.
I will have a couple thousand extra tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to
put 'em? Yep, border security.
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.
We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for
oil in Alaska -which will take care of this country's oil needs for
decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this
decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own
citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying,
'darn tootin.'
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a
decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of
just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in
America .
It is time to eliminate homelessness
in America . To the nations on List 1,
a final thought. Thank you guys.
We owe you and we won't forget.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.
God bless America ...
Thank you and good night.'
