Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Lawyers in the Dog Run

I have a favorite threat that I use.  "Ya don't wanna mess wit me, I keep Rottweilers in my house, and lawyers out in my dog run."  I promised a sweet young lady I'd explain that story.  Back about 92-93, I was minding my own business, at a house party, when I was diverted by the sound of...  Well, Bawling...  Pure anguished crying,  I investigated, because male crying is a huge bring-down at a festivity of this sort, and if were just a breakup situation, I could direct a sympathetic female his way, and keep the party hearty.

It turned out that the young man faced a graver matter than the breaking of his young heart.  He had got so far behind in his work, that he was going to flunk out and be sent home from law school.  He had almost a year and a quarter's work to complete in one semester.  I told him I''d help him, despite my natural aversion to the legal profession as a whole, I couldn't stand to see a good life go to waste.

I took over his life, and social schedule at this point, worked him like a dog, and we set up a schedule where he'd get his assignments turned in.  One of his instructors suggested I was doing his work.  I turned over some of my class assignments from my time at another college, and she personally, publicly apologized.  By the end of the semester, my new protege had turned in all the work plus extra credits to make up for his earlier, slackerly, ways.

I didn't stop there.  I found him an office, and made him go to court every day whether he had cases or not.  Usually one goes in as an associate in a law firm.  This has the result of making you into a coffee and paperwork bitch for three years in order to un-learn everything you did in law school.  I found him a secretary that is 1/4 prim brunette, and 3/4's google search.  If she ever quits of gets fired, I'll immediately hire her at twice the salary.  I also was his investigator for his first few cases.

He must have been successful, he takes, 8-10 weeks off around the beginning of November, and spends it in Hawaii.

Returning in February from the second such holiday, he found me laid up from a busted ankle.  I do that from time to time.  While he was visiting, a policeman came over and said, I'd have to clean up the dog run or get cited and have my dogs impounded until the situation was cleared up.  Bill didn't even hesitate, he removed his jacket, borrowed one of mine, and started shoveling out 4 weeks of 4 1/2 dogs well-fed leavings.  The across the street neighbor came over, and asked who the guy was cleaning out the dog run.  Probably with an eye toward getting his Schnauzers picked up after.  I told him that was my pet lawyer.   "John, lemmee get this straight, you keep Rottweilers in your house, and Lawyers in the dog run?"  

I told Bill, he and the cop laughed their head off and within a month the saying was urban legend about me...

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