Fu*kin' Uppity Q

At one point where I was younger and hot to make a buck, I used to make specialty tools aimed at the LEO market. Not class 3 guns, or any of the cool toys seen on Bond or Miami Vice. I just noticed the toys seen in galls catalog, even with the LE discount are pricey as Shit! A Ram is after all, 2 to 3 feet of 4 inch sewer pipe, with -ideally padded- handles, filled with concrete. If I make one it's about half the price of the beastie in the catalog. If I make 10, it's about 20 to 25 percent. If I make 100, the departments in three states have that much more for ammo, radios, cars, stuff I don't supply.

One rule, no non-employees in the manufacturing area. If any brass wants to inspect, I require a call-ahead, as I work with molten metals. The roomie caused me to lose 75% of my Law Enforcement related business. I don't have the muscle to build these toys anymore, and you can not command a workers' respect as a boss in this endeavor if you can not do the job yourself.

It's a pity, because I have some designs that I would love to try out. How about a cast poly resin concrete ram that is simply poured into a plastic tube. the tube would be removed and there would be simply the metal handles and maybe the front of the ram as metal.

My first entry ram was four tall stew cans brazed together and filled with ready-mix concrete, the strike plate was circular one inch steel. At late 80's labor it was probably all of 50 dollars to manufacture. My catalog was destroyed in a fire in 1989. After that for about 15 years, people would just call me and ask for an item, and I'd make it, broker it, or refer it as my and their economies dictated. I did make one sale to a Federal Agency, it had to be brokered through a manufacturer that complied with ISO 9001 and roHs guidelines. As a private contractor I had no such compliance responsibilities.

When you have to comply with two dozen agencies rules and requirements to sell what is essentially a hammer, you can see where the $12,000 hammer stories come from.

My favorite device was a $500 battering ram needed within four days. I built the handles from 1 inch thick wall steel tubing, foam wrapped, heat shrink covered. It was 3 1/2 feet long the striking end was TWO one inch steel plates and it held 55 pounds of concrete.

I named it Simon, and labeled it as such.

Why Simon?

When 'Simon Says' Open the F**kin' Door,

One way or another, It opens.

The outward swinging doors I advocate removing hinge pins, sticking huge 18" window Suction cups to, and pulling them open with a truck.

Is there any wonder that the cops used to call me, JOHNNY MAYHEM!

Affectionately of course

I slapped the hands of a couple of sergeants who couldn't resist touching the shiny black toys. They referred to me as 'F**kin' Uppity Q'.

I was flattered!

Now listen up 007!